I’m in a pretty dark place right now. I haven’t experienced this kind of low for quite a while. I feel deeply misunderstood, alone, and literally immobilized by anxiety and anxiousness. It’s much easier to preach about overcoming all this struggle and hardship; to preach a detached understanding of these dark aspects of our lives when you’re not actively going through it yourself. You don’t want to do anything. You just need some time to sort all the mess going on in your head. But life forces you to keep pushing.
I have a deep need to help people with my life. It’s ingrained in my soul. I’ve been through so much in my short time on this earth, and I feel like I can really help people if I can share what I’ve been through. How I’ve learned to recognize my demons and cope with them. To have a more wholesome outlook on my life. To believe in people. To believe in love.
I see so many of my loved ones struggling, hiding under masks of witty nihilism, trying to prove themselves to the world for validation. And my heart breaks. The depression and struggle and pain. It hurts me so much because I’ve been there. I get it. And with this brand I’m really trying to fulfill this need I have to help people; to love people. Being transparent with what I’ve been through, what I’m currently going through, all in hopes that others can find some sort of solace in knowing that there are people going through the same things as them. But I just don’t know if this is enough. And I don’t know how much longer I can handle doing this.
I’m running myself into the ground trying to balance a full-time job with this brand on the side. My work ethic, my motivation, it’s deteriorating. I can’t manage my time well enough to do this properly. The conflicts of interest between my job and brand are only growing more and more palpable as I get handed more responsibilities at work, as Windfall continues to grow. Can I really do this? Am I just being pretentious and unrealistic, or am I not believing in myself enough?
I watched a video yesterday that really hit me hard. It said that art is created by getting a grip of your pain, then channeling it into something productive. It’s a conscious decision you have to make to confront the darkness in your life, take pieces of it home, and stitch together something beautiful with it. You can’t ever escape the struggle, but it matters what you do with it. Will you let it break you, or will you harness it to create a beautiful thing?